100 Things Deeks is not allowed to do
by DARWIN51
Summary: My list of 100 hilarious things Deeks is not allowed to do. Formerly 50, but made my way up to 100, and adding.
1. Chapter 1

THINGS DEEKS IS NOT ALLOWED TO DO

Steal Sam's food

Make Monty steal Sam's food

Call Kensi a girl (unless he WANTS another broken rib…)

Play Mario Kart in OSP

Sit in Kensi's chair

Place whoopee cushions on anyone's chair

Drive Sam's car

Touch Sam's car

Look at or breathe on Sam's car

Dress up like a hobo again

Call Sam Cyborg (Teen Titans)

Convince small children that Sam is Cyborg

Try to put a bell on Hetty. Emphasis on TRY

Change Sam's ringtone to "I'm a Barbie Girl" Then call him when he's in the interrogation room

Use Nell's X-ray camera to take "selfies"

Sing the theme to Mission Impossible during a stakeout

Blow the smoke from his gun after shooting

Turn off the lights and shine a lamp on the suspect during an interrogation

Call himself "Uncle Marty"

Speak in the third person

This is the first 20, more to come!


	2. 2040

Thanks for the reviews! If I get enough ideas, it may turn into more than 50.

21. He is not, in fact, "Fergalicious" (but he _is_ bringing sexy back)

22. Stuff Sam's bag with tampons, then innocently ask to borrow one

23. He is not allowed to use the joke "3 squirrels were on a spaceship. One asked the other to pass the Pepsi. The second replied, "Alphabet!"" then crack up just to see who he can get to laugh out of peer pressure

24. Bananas are bananas. They do not symbolize anything inappropriate.

25. He may not announce that he is on top when asked about his relationship with Kensi

26. He is not allowed to add "If you know what I mean" to the end of every sentence

27. –nor is he allowed to say "you certainly didn't say that last night." When people try to talk

28. Introduce himself as "Jimmy Bond"

29. He is not allowed to ride a red tricycle down the street telling people that he wants to play a game

30. Start a rumor that Hetty was an Oompa Loompa in the original chocolate factory movie.

31.-Nell wasn't one either…

32. Do not challenge Sam to an arm wrestle…you will lose.

33. Do not steal Eric's glasses just to watch him feel around the floor for them so he looks like Velma

34. Do not call Nell Velma

35. And just to make it clear, you are not Shaggy, Nell is not Velma, Eric is not Fred, and Hunter is not Daphne. And no, Sam is most certainly not Scooby Doo. That's racist.

36. Do not compliment Sam's haircut (It pisses him off)

37. After #36, do not proceed to brag about how the ladies love to run their fingers through your hair

38. Do not insult Kensi's driving, no matter how bad it may be

39. Never call Callen anything but Callen. Not G, Gianna, G-Spot, Gorgeous, Gertrude, or anything to that effect

40. He may not "_accidentally_" Walk into the girls showers while Kensi or Nell are in there

Thanks for reading, review if you're not dead, and 10 more to come!


	3. 40 through 50

**The (maybe) last 10!**

#41. He may not call Kensi "Fern"

#42. Comment on the number of ice cream tubs in Kensi's freezer

#43. Say "You have the right to suck it" when he arrests someone

#44. Mention anything about the basketball incident to Eric. Unless he wants his bank account hacked

#45. Adding to number 39, G-String is also not a nickname for Callen

#46. He can't change everyone's picture on their ID to caricatures

#47. He may not mail a dead squirrel to Sam, with the return address of "Yo mamma's butt"

#48. Employ Eric and Nell as his personal minions, no matter how compelled they are to cooperate.

#49. Kidnap Eric and tattoo him with an "off" button while he is unconscious. Or when he is conscious.

#50. He may never, never, not ever replace any of the team member's badges with a "hi my name is" sticker with (fill in what you think here) written on it

**Tell me what you filled in for number 50! I'd also love to hear your ideas because I may expand on this, also, tell me which was your favorite number!**


	4. 5060

50+ things Deeks  
>50-60<p>

This is my writing process: get really depressed because no one likes my stories, get a review, get way too happy and almost piss myself, write another chapter, laugh in tears on the floor like a baby at my own humor, post, refresh my email for the next 12 days straight. Repeat.

51 He is not allowed to yell "FOR NARNIA!" before kicking down a door  
>52. He may not convince small children that he has "the force" by moving his hands to open an automatic door<br>53. Deeks should never take Kensi away from the team into a separate room then after a few minutes scream "HARDER FERN, HARDER!" for all to hear  
>54. Silly bands are "strictly prohibited" from anywhere in the Mission, as stated in The Official Rule Book For NCIS Officers, section 12, Hetty's Amendments<br>55. He also can't deal Silly bands on the street like drugs  
>56. Deeks can not set his ringtone to "I've Got Big Balls" by ACDC, nor can he sing it anywhere in public.  
>57. Never fake drowning to kiss a lifeguard. I think he learned his lesson though when he received CPR from the big black man instead<br>58. No, "Now 'n Laters" is not an erectile dysfunction pill, it is a candy. No matter how much it may sound like one.  
>59. In no way can he use the existence of Nell's online dating profile to his advantage. This includes creating an account to exactly match hers and send his gay friend on the date; emailing the link to the profile to everyone in his contacts, including all of NCIS, LAPD, and about twenty hookers on the west coast; or printing out her picture and telling people that was Sam before his sex-change<br>60. Deeks should not, ever, under no circumstances, ever walk into OPS with nothing but a Speedo, covered head to toe in rainbow body paint, with rainbow feathers sticking out of him, his excuse being that he just came back from the pride parade. And when Hetty tells him to go clean up, he yells "No H8!" and uses the claim that they're all homophobes so he can stay dressed like that all day.

I had way too much fun with the last two. Creds to my bestie Nemo for #58


	5. 6070

60-70  
>(for number 68, I know the stuff ending with 'ing' are not technically verbs, just go with it)<br>61. While Sam is asleep, putting whipped cream on his hand and tickling his face with a feather will get YOU slapped in the face. It will also get you whipped cream in places you do not want whipped cream  
>62. While in the locker room, never tell Sam or Callen that you want to "sword fight" Eric, though, might just accept. If you know what I mean.<br>62 1/2. I need to stop making gay jokes. Not that I will, I just need to.  
>63. When he is required to have walkie-talkies for a mission, he may not make up code names for everyone<br>64. He can't replace Sam's gun with a squirt gun.  
>64 14 especially a squirt gun filled with piss  
>64 24 he also can't put a condom on Sam's gun  
>64 34 or anyone's gun.  
>64 44 condoms on anything, including doorknobs, computer mice, telephones, coat hooks, the bamboo plant in the lobby, or ANYTHING else slightly penis shaped, is strictly prohibited  
>65. Whenever Eric walks out of OPS, Deeks may not shout "He's coming out of the closet!" no matter how dark and closet-like OPS is, and no matter how gay Eric is.<br>66. When asked "What's up?" the appropriate response is not "A movie by Pixar"  
>67. When asked "What are you doing?" the appropriate response is not loudly declaring that you are having an orgasm.<br>68: Mad Libs: when playing Mad Libs, all of these responses have been banned as according to Kensi's Mad Libs rule book, that she had to create just because of the responses you were giving. Adjectives: orgasmic, hard, flushable, long, anal, Verbs: crayon sex, beaver sex, tambourine sex, blowing, smoking, penetrating, moaning, farting, pissing, fingering, queefing, undressing, sucking, stabbing, killing, biting, "gettin drunk", sexting, NOUNS are a given.  
>69. When Kensi, Callen, And Sam give Deeks this list of rules, he may not point out that this is number 69. I bet all of you noticed what number it was before reading this. Get 'yo mind out da gutter!<br>70. Just to make this clear:  
>70.1 they are the "Foo Fighters" not the Food Fighters<br>70.2 it's "Alzheimer's" not Old-Timers  
>70.3 Aspergers not Ass Boogers<br>70.4 Idaho not I-Da-Hoe  
>70.5 hacky sack not nut sack<br>70.6 "kiss the sky" not "kiss this guy" (anyone get the jimmi hendrix reference? Anyone? anyone?)

Reviews are what gets me through the day! Every single one means SOO much thank you all for taking the time to hit that little button and voice your opinion!


	6. 7080

70-80

Thanks so much for the feedback! I'm pretty sure this is going to at least 100! ALSO: I know Eric isn't gay on the show, he's really into Nell (even though in real life they're 10 years apart..) I just love cracking gay jokes and I hope it's not offensive to anyone because I fully support equal rights and I consider it perfectly okay for me to make gay jokes because I myself am bi. If I've offended anyone I'm sorry can you forgive me?

71. He can't call "penalty" on Kensi when she beats him at hand-to-hand combat because "her boobs kept staring at him"  
>72. Also stated in the Official Rule Book For NCIS Officers, section 12, Henrietta Lange's Amendments, subsection 4, apparel: Prohibited are the following(meaning they have been worn to work before):<br>72.01 Spacesuit  
>72.02 Full SCUBA gear<br>72.03 "that's what she said" shirt  
>72.04 underwear outside his pants, and a cape<br>72.05 giant banana costume  
>72.06 Knight suit<br>72.07 Kensi's "im not PMS'ing, I'm just always this charming" shirt  
>72.08 zombie makeup<br>72.09 dressed as a hobo again  
>72.10 gorilla costume<br>72.11 football uniform  
>72.12 dressed like the Jonas Brothers: skinny jeans, spiked hair, deep v shirts<br>72.13 dressed like Justin Beiber: purple skinny jeans, purple kicks, and your hair looking like you slept with a bowl on it  
>72.14 T-Rex costume<br>72.15 completely shaved head and dressed like Sam  
>72.16 Dora's backpack, Dora's outfit, and a stuffed monkey wearing boots on his shoulder<br>72.17 Dressed like Eric. Flip flops and unprofessional attire is only acceptable for Eric.  
>72.18 Hannah Montana<br>72.19 Batman with spandex  
>72.20 Robin with spandex<br>72.21 Aquaman with spandex  
>72.22 actually, any superhero costume is unacceptable<br>72.23 also any costume involving spandex  
>72.24 Football outfit, with tight pants to show off to Kensi (yes I said football uniform twice, this one is about the butt)<br>72.25 Full body paint for the Lakers, or actually, any sports team  
>72.26 when I say FULL body paint, it means he is not allowed to have his shirt off with paint all over his chest<br>72.27 Michael Jackson costume, and when asked to remove it, throw one of the gloves and say "thank ya, thank ya ver much" and deny it when Kensi tells him Elvis Presley says that, not Michael Jackson  
>72.28 Come back from a fair with any type of children's face paint, pretending you actually are a tiger or a cat<br>72.29 any Mortal Kombat characters  
>72.30 any Mario characters<br>72.31 wear dark shades and yell "SHARON!"  
>73. When told he is immature, am appropriate response is not "I know you are but what am I?"<br>74. No, it is NEVER "bring your iguana to work day"  
>75. He can't sing "Sneaky Snake" (a song about a snake named "Sneaky Snake" who steals everyone's root beer) while sneaking up on Sam and stealing his beer<br>he is ever found to be using his computer to play Happy Wheels or Minecraft, he will lose computer privileges and have to write all files by hand. Same goes for Eric and Nell  
>77. He cannot yell "DAYUM gurl, dat ASS!" when Callen is working out<br>78. Every time he leaves OPS, he can't turn to Nell and Eric and whisper "you kids have fun, if you know what I mean" and wink at them  
>79. Friendship bracelets for everyone is also a no-no. Especially ones with tracking devices hidden in them<br>80. He should never sing "centerfold" replacing "angel" with "Kensi"  
>"my blood runs cold<br>My memory has just been sold  
>My Kensi is a centerfold<br>Kensi is a centerfold"


	7. 8090

Some of you have been saying that I should sent this to ECO, but please tell me HOW I GO ABOUT DOING THAT. I would LOVE for him to read this, but seriously what is someone like him going to be reading MY fanfiction for? You guys are welcome to send him this all you want (just credit me) but what are the chances? Actually, I almost got Barrett Foa to read my ff story "Wingman" (Neric proposals, check that out) he replied to me on twitter a couple times but he never said if he actually read it or not. Also Renee f Smith replied to me on twitter too but I won't brag about that now.  
>I don't own the show and affiliated shit<p>

81-90  
>81. Never can he say in a black accent "Ma name Rochelle, ah do NOT need dis, mah man has TWO jobs!"<br>82. Unaccepted excuses for being late:  
>82A. "Monty got run over by a reindeer"<br>82B. "sorry, my Nobel prize ceremony ran a little late, and Obama invited me to dinner"  
>82C. Arrive to work late with his underwear outside his pants, and all he does is gives a little nod and says " Cat stuck in a tree"<br>82D. "I'm on my period and I couldn't get the tampon in"  
>82E. "I was recording a single with<br>Lady Gaga and it ran a little late"  
>82F. "I was so hot my apartment building caught on fire and I had to put it out with my bare hands"<br>82G. "Mila Kunis likes her eggs cooked a special way and it took a little longer than expected."  
>82H. "the Batmobile got a flat tire"<br>82I. "I'm not late, I'm actually early, in South Africa time, where I was fixing world hunger, teaching the school children, and carrying buckets of water from the river"  
>82J. "I'm late because I actually stopped to get flowers for Hetty, but on the way out I saw a man trying to steal a woman's purse, so I beat him up, but then an asteroid came flying straight for LA! So I did the only thing I could: grabbed the nearest nuclear missile and exploded the asteroid before it could hit Earth, but THEN another asteroid came, so I used my laser beam eyes to destroy it, and confetti and candy came flying out of it! Turns out it was just a surprise present for LL Cool J, like a giant piñata. I would have brought you guys some candy, but I passed some starving children living in poverty on the way over, and I gave it to them, and also gave them a home makeover."<br>82K. "Aliens"  
>83. Any form of the popular trolling methods "_ing" including: planking, coning (in which he orders an ice cream and grabs it by the ice cream part instead of the cone) or planking on top of a car while coning at a drive-thru<br>84. He is not allowed to justify doing girly things by exaggerating the MAN in it, such as: MANicure or MANdals.  
>85. He can't blame Nell for the "MONTY 2012" banners across the freeway and posters randomly around L.A.<br>86. When he farts, he can't blame Nell for that either (just play that scenario out in your head: everyone standing in the dark OPS room, viewing pictures of dead bodies and scary-looking suspects, suddenly, someone RIPS ASS REAL LOUD then it goes completely silent again, Deeks quietly says "it was Nell, I swear. Gurl, you need to cut down on those Oreos")  
>87. When Sam tackles Callen on the training mat, and straddles his back, Deeks should never shout "RIDE IT GIRL, OW OWW" (the ow oww is him howling, not being smacked by Kensi...yet)<br>88. He can't fill his desk with bobbleheads of Hetty, or fill Hetty's desk with bobbleheads of Hetty.  
>89. He also can't SELL said bobbleheads online to all NCIS employees across the U.S.<br>90. Yes, Sam has cats. No, Deeks can't make fun of him for it. He also can't replace the litter in the litter box with Pop Rocks.

Favs? 86 is my fav of this set. Are they getting worse? Better? I'm not running out of ideas yet.


	8. 90 through 100

90-100  
>To anonymous "guest" reviewer: If you can read, the title says "50 things Deeks is not ALLOWED to do" not 50 things Deeks has done. I never said he necessarily does this shit. Besides, it's just some humor so chill your boots.<p>

As for the rest of you, *muah* *muah* love you all.

Oh yeah, and I also have one of these 50 things stories for Shawn from Psych, and 50 ways to kill Hannah burley from Bones. If you like this, you'll probably like those too.

91. When trying to stop a robbery or kidnapping, "SWIPER NO SWIPING" usually isn't very effective.  
>92. Every time he hears "that's what makes you beautiful" by one direction he can't yell at the sky "I KNOW IM BEAUTIFUL ONE DIRECTION STOP YELLING AT ME!"<br>can't ask Siri to "butter his biscuits"  
>94. He should not go around quoting Jaws 4 and Caddyshack 2 because there was absolutely NOTHING quotable from those movies.<br>95. He also can't go around quoting Mean Girls and wearing pink on Wednesdays and telling everyone they can't sit at his lunch table, and that they're not invited to his pool party because they're lesbians  
>96. NEVER steal the controller from Nell when playing Mario Kart. I think he's already learned his lesson on that one.<br>97. He can't set up a fake skeleton in one of the stalls in the bathroom. Especially one with a sombrero and reading a newspaper.  
>98. No, there is NEVER, EVER an appropriate time to break out into spongebob song. (did I do that one already?)<br>99. He can't put a voice recorder in the bathroom to record Eric practicing asking Nell out, then make it his ringtone  
>100! He can't make a bumper sticker that says "honk if you have a small penis" then purposely cut Callen off on the freeway.<p>

More to come! I promise! Sorry this one was so short. Every review makes my day 10 times better! Out of all 100, what was your favorite? Or top 5 favs?


	9. 101-115

**It's baack! I lost my ability to write real stories so I'm back to this. Here's #101-115! Also, sorry about #108 I just couldn't stop it's a problem. I don't own any recognizable characters or whatever**

101. Deeks is not allowed to draw a face/put a wig on Kensi's box and call it "little fern"

102. Attaching air fresheners to his body is not a substitute for showering. Nobody enjoys his new car smell.

103. On the reverse, he is not allowed to use the showers excessively, hoping Kensi will walk in on him

104. he may not put a "coloring station" with paper and crayons in the break room.

105. He should never explain what sex wax is because the look on Kensi's face is too priceless when Hetty talks about it.

106. being bitten by any of the following is not an excuse not to come in to work:

A vampire

His neighbor's pet snake Steve

A werewolf

A raccoon with rabies

A radioactive spider

Edward

His pet snail with mad snail disease

And alien child

Sam

A one-eyed one-horned flying purple people eater

107. just for your information, Nate does not accept bribes, especially to "evaluate" a certain coworker for mental illness

108. When going undercover as a waiter, he should not tell the customers any of the following:

a. "If you want the special sauce, you have to come get it. _If you know what I mean.."_

b."There, choke on it."

c. "We ran out of steak, but we found a nice looking deer in the back, I hope you don't mind"

d. "You did say _snot_ soup, right?"

e. "You want to speak with my manager? I'm sorry, he fell in the soup pot last week. God rest his soul."

f. "For only $7 extra you can have a container of that same soup, it's a great souvenir."

g. "Welcome to Hooters, my name is Jenny, what can I do ya for?"

h. "You want a different waiter? I'm sorry sir, did I not bring you enough kiddie menus?"

i. "Shh! No talking in the library"

j. "You want the kids pizza, sonny? This is a breakfast restaurant, we don't make fuckin pizza."

k. "I don't care if this is a Chinese restaurant, If you can't pronounce it you can't have it. And that's probably for your own good."

L. "Thank you for choosing Bob's grill, pick up your complimentary barf bags on the way out. Come again soon!"

m. "Your doctor's on the telephone. He told you not to eat that."

n. "Our special today is the you-shouldn't-eat-this soup. It's got 5 varieties of vegetables and a hearty serving of you-don't-want-to-know"

o. "You want the cheeseburger? Great choice, it comes with a free heart attack."

p. "Would you like to sit in a chair or in a booth? I recommend the booth, the chairs have a weight limit."

q. "Try our new pizza: "Everything and the kitchen sink" No literally, we have an extra sink in the back. Please take it."

r. "Here's your super-brownie-fudge-sundae, keep in mind the AED is located at the front desk."

s. "I'm sorry, we have temporarily removed half the items on our menu because the health inspector is paying a visit."

t. "In the event that someone is choking, we encourage you to videotape it."

u. "All scraps can be fed to the alligators in back."

v. "Restaurant? Oh no, this is a taxidermy business, the only chicken here is stuffed. Ask about our special on goldfish!"

w. "What do you mean your punch tastes weird? That's not punch-wait, you _do_ know this is a funeral home, yes?"

x. "Compliments to the chef? I'm glad you liked it, but he just picked it out of the trash from the hospital next door."

y. "You barf it, you buy it"

z. "Welcome to Denny's, I'm Mike, I'll be your server today. I'm also a stripper on weekends"*pulls business card out of pants*

109. He may not go around telling people "Have a great day semicolon closed partenthesis"

110. He also may not go around telling people "Help! I'm trapped in an incredibly sexy man's body!"

111. He may not create a "Who's hot & not" list and post it around the mission where his and Kensi and Monty's names are the only ones on the "hot" list, and on the "not" list is everyone including Steven Tyler.

112. He is not allowed to EVER sing "I make them straight boys go gay"

113. No more references to Eric being gay because he IS NOT!

114. When in any pool or ocean with the team, he should never grab Nell's ankle because everyone knows how traumatized she was from Jaws (no matter how funny it may be)

115. He cannot graffiti the bathroom walls "Kensi wants the D(eeks)


End file.
